"She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future"

And though she be but little - she is fierce. (William Shakespere) One of my favorite quotes. I think it is because at 4'11 and a fairly petite person I would be described as little. I like to think however little I may be, my personality is anything but. I stand up for what I believe in, I make my opinions known and I love a challenge.  I think I am fierce (sometimes maybe more than I actually am.) Things that scare me are things such as birds, airports, clowns, elevators, pet cemetaries, spiders...the usual. But I am the first to jump at the chance to ride in a blackhawk and enjoy every twist, turn and dive the pilot makes. In fact I enjoy it so much I am looking into the option as a pilot as my Army career. I was thrilled to repel down a 40 foot tower, yes it was scary but the minute my feet hit the ground I wanted to do it again.

Guns terrify me. The first time I shot a weapon larger than a handgun it took me a good 6 minutes to pull the trigger. Now I can disassemble and assemble my weapon as quickly, if not quicker then the boys.

You want to put me in a humvee and flip me multiple times so in the future I may be prepared? Sure why not - I have a helmet on 3 times to big for my head.

I have traveled to Denver, Minneapolis, Las Vegas, LA, Seattle & Chicago solo. I have braved the big airports and I have no problem exploring these bigger cities alone - in fact it's one of my favorite things to do. I rode the elevator up to the top of not only the Sears Tower but the outside facing elevator up to the top of the Space Needle.

Why am I rambling on the fears I have overcome? Because lately fear is consuming me. If I am alone for more than a few minutes I start to panic. I knew what I was doing when I enlisted. I wasnt scared then. Why now? I am so excited for the adventure that November will bring. Why is it then that I find myself crying during the relaxation phase of yoga? Why can't I drive my car without wanting to cry, or rear end somebody?

I am scared that I am not strong enough. There I have said it. I am scared I am not strong enough. Strong enough for what? Beats me. Strong enough to be away for that brief time without communication with my loved ones? Strong enough to get over the fact that my nephew will turn 2 and I won't get to wish him a happy birthday? Strong enough to deal with the guilt that my nephew may forget me? Strong enough physically? I don't want to just keep up or just get by. I want to be strong enough to surprise people. To surprise myself. Why is it then I can't seem to stay on track with my nutrition? With my workouts? Am I scared of what I may achieve?

Another quote I have always loved is "she believed she could so she did". Ok I believed I was strong enough a year ago to do something I had wanted to for years. So I did it. Why am I doubting myself now? My doubt towards my strength is causing me to doubt so many other things. Myself as a soldier, as a fitness professional, as a sister, a daughter, a friend. It is driving me crazy! I know better. I know the what, the why, the how of what I should be doing. SO WHY AM I NOT DOING IT?

My goal is to use this panic, this doubt, this worry and let it fuel me. Fuel me to be the person I was before. The girl with - not even the confidence - but the strength to face the day without worry. I need to get my strength both physically and mentally back in check. And the only way to do that is to take care of me. I need to put myself 1st. My clients, coworkers, friends, family all of them will need to remain a priority - but in such a way I can be the best I can be - for myself and for them. I need to get my nutrition in line. I need to hit the gym as hard as I expect my clients. I want to have the strength to believe that I am capable of doing the best thing my job allows me to do: Inspire others. And I can't expect to do that if I am in constant fear whether I am strong enough, fit enough, stable enough. This is my pledge to myself and to all of you that going forward...I will do just that.

-thea